The Skeletons of my closet: The unknown side of my Story

Every man wishes that he can say that he has always had a wonderful life and that he has no regrets. Sadly, this is not true in case of most people.It certainly is not true in my life’s case. What I am about to share with you is my own deep angiush and you may well realise that it is not always a happy story that I can narrate. This is reality, how I have felt, how have been defeated, how I stood up again, how I fell again and how I have hope.
If you are reading these lines, then certainly you are a very special person. You certainly mean a lot of me if I am allowing you to view what I have been through and what I have dealt with. I have tried to keep the language as simple as I can, because I know your limitations with English Language. I HAVE WRITTEN THIS FOR YOUR EYES AND YOU ONLY. Someday, God only knows, that it might be shared with the world, but for now it you, whom I love, and to whom I value above everything on earth.
I have had a good life; yes I would not deny that. When I was a child, my parents were poor. I remember celebrating my birthdays in a one room house, with a leaky khapra roof, with only a few people to congratulate me. But, I never complained, and I don’t complain now. I had my parent’s love and that meant all to me. If I had love, I will live anywhere; it does not matter if it is a palace or a small hut. My parents sincerely tried their best to keep me happy, I was sometimes jealous of other kids who had things I never had. They wore expensive dresses, they had latest toys, and I had very few. They went to places like Essel World (like Disney Land), and my parents could only afford a small park where I used to go at weekends. Sometimes, at that age, I used to cry to have all these things; I wanted to be like other kids. At that time, my parents could not afford to teach me in Anexpensive School. But they did. They chose to deny their good things in life so that their son can go to an expensive school. I am forever grateful to my parents for doing that, for my education has shaped me to the man I am.
Slowly, when I grew up, I realised that I have curiousity like a cat. I keep asking questions, about all the things I got, and I had a mind for literature. I was percieved as an intelligent person. Then my parents began to have high hopes for me and my future. Due to this questioning mind, I also wondered about God. I wanted to know who He is and what He made me, and why He made me. I was brought up in a religious enviornment, and I began reading Bible when I was 9 years old. And I loved it. I had a mind who likes to read, and read all the stories. In Sunday school, I was the brightest boy and it seemed as if I knew everything. But, what I had read (mainly the Old Testament), had made me fearful of God. I knew that whatever things I did wrong, He knew them and He will punish me. But I also knew that He loved me like a father and as simple the child as I was, I loved Him too. I knew that God was the meaning of Life itself.
As I grew up, I realised that I was different than the rest. I was shy, timid and reserved. I was a thinker, the one who uses his mind. When I was 13, boys around me knew nothing about what the world is all about, but I was far far ahead of them. I knew about the capitals of the countries, I knew about the famous people of the world, and I also read a lot about Ayurved. Ayurved or Ayurveda is the ancient Indian science of medicine. And as I read Ayurved, I read about sexuality and teenage. I also had completed reading Bible long before, I knew what was wrong and what was right. My knowledge became my power. As I entered teenage, I knew what was going on in my body better than the other boys. I knew that due to the hormonal rush, the teenage will be a unstable period in my life, but I was well prepared. I was always on the side of right, and I will always be, so I learned from the mistakes of other people. I chose to do the right thing. I choose to ignore temptations, I chose not to smoke, not to drink, not to masturbate and I choose not to use drugs. I also chose not to use abusive words. I knew at that time, that now these habits will remain with me for life. So, it is natural that I got separated from the rest of the people of my age. They used to think me as someone abnormal.It was a hard time. When they will call me “you son of a bitch”, I will tell them “I forgive you” with a smile. Ultimately I won. They accepted me as I am.Oh, it is not that I never did anything wrong at all, I used to lie to friends and parents, I used to beat up my fellow students if they used to fight with me(I was a very healthy boy) and I used to cunningly spread stories about people I didn’t like.
But, still the teachers and elder people liked me a lot. They used to give my examples. They told me how good student you are, how well-behaved and a proper Christian and polite. People told my parents, you should be proud of your son, and they were. I made friends with the people of all kinds, from those people whom nobody used to talk, like prateek, to people who were considered cool and much liked, abdul was that type. So, everyone liked me for who I was, and I also was happy for who I was.
But things don’t always remain bright as sunshine forever. I knew that I was good at surface, but inside I was hollow. Knowledge is good but it isn’t everything. I was also like other boys deep inside, and I knew it. I did not used to show it because I wanted to be counted on the right side. I wanted to be counted holy. I was a hypocrite. I also wanted to be like them deep inside, but I also wanted to be good. I knew that there is a conflict going on, within my very soul. I knew the answer. At the age of 15, I started feeling God talking to me. He was saying “My son, you know what is right and wrong. But you know that you yourself are unable to do right. Give yourself to me.” So at the age of 15, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal saviour and got baptised at 16. I got changed a lot after that, until that living a holy life was an exertion, but after that time, it became an enjoyment. I began to live a holy life not because it is the right way, because it is the way I WANT to. I wanted to be holy and I wanted to be for God. My life had suddenly become new and my heart was full of Joy. I wrote some of my best poems at that time. I wrote “Everything Anew” at 17. You remember that poem, my Pari?
Now comes the part, where my struggle with life begins. The condition of my home had much improved by the time I was a teenager.At 17 we hadable home of ours, but our neighbours who were also our relatives filed a civil case against us in court, just at the time we were trying to rebuild the front portion of our home. Since, the home was not usuable, we had to leave it. Imagine leaving your very own home after spending 17 years because of a false case by your own relatives!
Now I continue my story
Moreover, I was suffering a lot of problems with my studies and teachers.Their was a particular physics teacher who was against me, and used to fail me in his tests deliberately. Well, what he was actually looking for was money, which I didn’t want to give him. I stood by my principles that I will not give in to such a corrupt teacher and other teachers stood by me. I prayed and I saw a miracle. He had to pass me to my final year of my school where things were not in his hands anymore except for the practical marks. That year I made myself so good in physics that he was unable to cut even one mark from my practicals. I got 30 out of 30.
At home, I had different types of problems. I and my brother never got along very well. He kept annoying me and that made me a very short-tempered person. I would thrash him severly sometimes, because of his bad behaviour. But, my father and my mother didn’t like it. They adored their younger son. Moreover, they kept thinking of me as a small boy, which I was not. They wanted to control my life, which I didn’t want to happen. And I won’t let that happen in future.
Since, they wanted I gave the entrance test for medicine, but I had no intentions of going to a medical college.
Meanwhile I took admission in a graduation college. It was refreshing to me at first. I mean I liked studying biotechnology, I made new friends and I was a hit. Yes, I was a hit. I was one of the most popular boys of college. Because, the teachers liked me, the students liked me and I loved the college. I won many competitons for the college in many debates and events. What went wrong was my falling in love for the first time. Neha, Ankita and I were good friends and we were together all the times. Both of these girls were very childish and innocent and I liked it. I mean, that was my first contact with girls and so many girls I met in the college. Some of their wanted to flirt, some wanted some thing else, some wanted to be around me because I was so popular. But Neha stood with me because she considered me as her friend. Our friend circle increased, and it became very large, like a family. Neha, Ankita, Priyanka, Sonu were the girls and Me, Sabya, Akshat and Ankit were the boys. We were really like family. I mean I used to tell the girls that tommorow I want to eat this, and then the next day they used to bring me the thing! In return, they wanted me to predict their future. They used to think that I can look in a person’s hands and tell his/her future. I took it as fun before, later I stopped doing that. In short, I enjoyed my days for the first few days of college thoroughly.
But, darkness once again came. The results of the medical entrance exam came. I and Neha were selected. That meant that we will not only go to different colleges, but will be separated from each other ad also from our group. But, at selection I refused to go. That made my parent’s very angry. They wanted me to go and I wasn’t willing. That was the starting of problems with my parents that was to remain with me forever. But, Neha always wanted to be a doctor. She was getting the chance to become a dentist. For her, her career was more important than friends. So, she took admission in another dental college. Oh, all of us were so sad that day! All of them cried, I cried at home because to me she had become more than a friend. I had begun to love her. But she didn’t know that, and now she was going away. So, she went away, but fortunately she was able to get a college in Jabalpur. I wasn’t able to say anything on her face. But, I had to tell her some how. I was in love, and I was too shy to tell her. So, I wrote my feelings in an email to her. I didn’t have any reply back, one day when I was out of the city she called me and talked with me. I remember what she said, she said like this...”Anchal, you are one of the best friends I have ever met. You are a very very special person, and you are unique, and had it been more people like you, this world would have been a better place. You are so honest, so chivalrous, so gentlemanly, you are what every girl wants. But, I am from a Hindu family and you are a Christian. I value my parents very much and they won’t like it at all if I fall in love with a Christian boy. You are also very dedicated to Christianity. I think it will be better if we just remain friends.”
To be honest, I didn’t felt bad at that time. I knew that what she said made perfect sense. She was very correct. Querida, it is like this in India. Boys and girls usually listen to their parents. But, anyway I did felt sad. How was to explain to my heart, that you cannot love her because she is of a different religion?
But, things grew worse. There was a boy called Rahul, who was a hunk. He was our classmate and I introduced Neha to her. He was a complete hunk. Six foot tall, fair and handsome, and rich, he had everything that girls look for. Well, neha and I continued to be friends, good friends. She used to say that she doesn’t like Rahul at all. But I used to tell him that Rahul is a good boy and he just wanted to be her friend. But, then the unimaginable happened. They both fell in love with each other! Can you imagine how I would have felt? Can you feel how jealous I would have felt? I knew Rahul, that he won’t marry her. I thought that maybe he was only looking for an innocent girl with whom he can spend his nights…..I had no proof, and I kept quiet. I asked Neha about him, she said that they were just friends. She lied to me. Because everybody of us knew that they liked each other. I didn’t want to come in between them, I thought maybe my intuition was wrong.So; I killed all the feelings inside me.
But I was more and more sad. That is because it was the first time I seriously desired love and I was unable to get it. Until now, I was not used to failures and I had failed to get the only girl I wanted. At that time, it seemed that I would not be able to love again. I became gloomy and rebellious, beaten in love. It feels a little childish, but this is what I felt. For the first time in my life, I felt my weaknesses. I was not as handsome as Rahul. He was tall and more good looking and richer. I was jealous. My other friends at that time had made girlfriends, some of them had made several. They used to ask me how many times I have kissed my girlfriend. Now, imagine what would I had said? I could say nothing, because I didn’t have a girlfriend, I had nobody to love me and I felt alone. Everybody used to say well, you are such a nice person, girls will die to kiss you...But the truth is that I became reserved to girls after that, because I didn’t wanted to get hurt again by falling in love. But deep inside, I wanted to be kissed, I wanted to be loved….but it seemed impossible.
Meanwhile, I was right about Rahul. He already had a girlfriend, but he still proposed neha. Neha and I were still very good friends, so she told me what was going on. I had a fight with her, because she had once told me that she will only marry and fall in love with the person her parents will choose for her, but she had fallen for rahul. It was obvious that she had lied to me. I avoided her then, and did not used to talk with her. After a few months, we decided to forgive each other and to be friends again. We have been good friends from then on, and only friends. I had wanted to avoid her once because I thought I would not be able to bear the sight of her because of the memories, but as I prayed to God, all my fears washed away. I had never done anything to her, and I was pure. I felt good in my heart because I was guilt free.
Now, my parents wanted me to reappear in the medical entrance examination again. I did unwillingly, and naturally I didn’t make it. Oh, then I saw the true colours of my parents. They said all kinds of things to me, including that I was lazy and careless and I didn’t care about them. They told me you will never be able to do anything in your life, and that I was a worthless individual. That broke me completely. All my life, my parents meant something to me. But I realised that what they really loved was my success, and not me. At least, I thought like that. I felt alone as ever. My parents hated me, the girl I loved didn’t love me and all my friends didn’t care what ever happened. I CANNOT PUT IN WORDS, WHAT I FELT LIKE. I had nobody in this world, who loved me for being myself. Countless nights I spent in tears, and I became a prisoner in my own house. My thoughts were gloomy, and my parent’s words that “you are worthless” rang in my ears. At that time, I saw no point in living. At mere 19 years, I was bitter. Once, the thought of suicide came to my mind. Then came a still small voice, “My son, are you so weak? I have not made you so weak. Rise up, young man and come to me” I knew what that voice was. It was the voice of the One whom had been ignoring for 2 years. I was so busy with myself and my life that I had no time for God. But he had not forogotten me. He came to save me again, when I needed him most. He made me brave and courageous in the darkest period of my life. He gave me hope, when all hope had gone from me.
That was the day, when I truly gave myself over to him. That was the beginning of my knighthood. I became the knight of God. In the most fearful times, he looked after me, so I dedicated my life to Him. From that day, nobody is more important to me than Him. He became my king, my Lord, my every thing. He assured me….”No eye has seen, no ears have heard, no mind has concieved, what God has prepared for those who love him, but God has revealed it to us by His spirit” 2nd Corinthians 2:9-10.
I truly felt like a phoenix that day. Phoenix is an imaginary mythological bird that burns itself down every 1000 years, and is reborn from the ashes. I knew that though I have been reduced to ashes, I must regenerate from the ashes. So, I did with the help of God. I put my efforts in everything I did, I became immune to girls and I tried to make my heart of ice, one which doesn’t get hurt. I needed that heart to face the world and I did. I was successful once again, I was one of the best orators of my college and represented college at many levels. I did well in studies too and to fulfill my parents wish I put my heart through the medical entrance exam and I got through. Dear, this PMT (Pre-medical test) is not an easy exam at all. Many many thousands of people sit to take it, but only a few make it. By the grace of Deus, I am one of those few.
“Where there is honey, there will be honeybees” is an old Indian proverb. So, I saw people’s attitude, my parent’s attitude changed again. People once again find me intelligent and minded. But, I have learned my lesson. In this world, nothing suceeds as success itself.
Then came the sun again, and darkness went away. That happened when you entered my life. That was a day I will remember. I will write more about you and your imapct in my life in my next post.